If I Had A Magic Wand….2014 Edition

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It’s December and in  a few short weeks we’ll be exposed to the yearly custom; The New Year’s Resolution. While most people find the exercise abhorrent and cheesy, we still think, ponder and hope and want to make lists between the highs and lows of holiday parties and the guilt and happiness that comes with them.

New Year’s resolutions are of course a reflection of us all wanting to do better. Humans have that unique quality unlike most mammals that we get up in the morning and can make a conscious decision to be a better person; to rise above eating, surviving and reproducing.

Rather than ask our friends and acquaintances what their New Year’s Resolutions are we should be working on a blueprint for Our Ideal Life and what we are going to do next to get there.

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We all would like more money and the freedom that financial security brings. To be able to have the time and energy to have high quality experiences with our friends and loved ones. We all want to have meaningful work that not only makes the world a bit better because of us, but gives us the recognition of being part of a successful community. We all hope to find and keep that special person in our lives that brings us emotional and physical satisfaction.

But all of the above are larger than life generalizations. Just wanting them is not enough. Margaret Cho once said that she dreamed of being surrounded by muscular men. She didn’ realized they’d all be gay. “I should have been more specific!” she exclaimed. And so we have to do that too. How much money would it take? How long would it take to get there? How would you do that? What do you need to do next?

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What type of work would make you happy and fulfilled? Who do you know who is doing that type of work? How did they get there? What have you done in the past that has made you feel successful? appreciated? What do you need to do next?

What does your ideal day look like with a partner? What do you do in the morning? What does he/she look like?  What are your deal-breakers? What can you  accept as a financial burden with a partner? (no, two cannot live as cheaply as one).  here are you looking for a partner? online? church? gym? How has this worked out so far? What do you need to do next?

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This Time I’m Wearing My Own Clothes To My Wedding

Rented Suit

This Time I’m Wearing My Own Clothes To My Wedding

One week from today I will be married in the rotunda of San Francisco City Hall. My soon-to-be husband and I have been together for over ten years and even though we keep saying to ourselves nothing will really change…it really does feel some kind of wonderful to have it finally happen.

You see for us, gay marriage was not even a dream a decade ago. I was born in 1950, he is a year older, born in 1949. We both married women in our early 20s thinking that society would never accept our hidden desires; to have a stable emotional relationship with someone you were physically attracted to. Homosexuality was still listed as a deviant behavior in the medical books on the day we both married women in the 1970’s. In a rented tux, in a world that called me sick, I vowed to uphold the laws of Moses, swear undying love to a woman I had sex with while dreaming of a man’s body. Six groomsmen and my own father in clothes we did not own stood by me and witnessed this expensive, religious, lovely charade.

I am not making excuses for entering into my first marriage with false pretenses. I knew I was gay, experienced gay sex before my wedding day, and knew it was going to be a tough go. But I think a lot of straight grooms have second thoughts on the big day for as many good reasons; doubt, honesty, pressure to conform, family obligations, etc.

I did hurt my ex-wife’s expectations of her life plan. Well more than that actually, I probably ruined her life for a few years with my coming out. She had suspicions of course, but you really only see what you want to see and even though my teenage son figured it out one afternoon when I eyed a hot waiter while he eyed a buxom waitress at the same restaurant.

This time will be different. Not only have over four decades passed, but a seismic shift in the political, religious and societal scene on marriage equality. My fiancé and I shopped together for the slacks, shirt, sweater and even matching belts that a city clerk will preside over our union. To be frank, the rabbi that married us had the personality of a cardboard box and left the rabbinate a month after my first rented tux wedding to become an accountant.

In my own skin, in my own clothes, with full love and devotion, I am getting married next week. Sorry about the first one, I had my doubts, remember?

Photo by docnate75